Never on Tuesday - a quick public service announcement

Okay, so this won't be a typical post for this blog, partly because Our Hero gets approximately one minute of screen time (he's uncredited - one of several inexplicable cameos in this film, to be revealed soon), but partly because on this day, I have a higher calling.

So let's pretend that your "friend" has invited you over to watch a movie, and this appears on the screen:

Here's what you should immediately do to your "friend":

Also, for the purposes of this hypothetical exercise, you're a black man.

Feel free to repeat the above step until he (or she - you never know) relents and puts on something of infinitely higher quality, like the Rotisserie Channel, or almost literally any random YouTube video you can find.

This movie is so terrible that as I sit here typing this, my brain is coming up with all kinds of incredulous reasons why it might be an unfathomably deep exploration of human sexuality, gender stereotypes in "modern" society and the existential crises that face us when we're alone with our own mortality.

But if it was any of those things, I would have been able to find some trace of it somewhere online, without having to resort to an international VPN (thanks, Tunnelbear!) to scour the dregs of American Netflix for it.

To put it in perspective, remember The Best of Times? The crappy ABC pilot with which we started this whole adventure? Yeah - that one was on YouTube. This one? Nowhere to be found, except for two clips, one of which, "luckily" is Cage's appearance.

And here it is, because I had to watch it, and now so do you.

There. Feel better? No? Well, I watched the whole movie.

Which included the following two scenes, which were intended to be (hopefully comedic, although I honestly don't know what to hope for anymore) sexual fantasies played out in the heads of "the nerd" trapped on a desert highway with his "ladies man" best friend and a lesbian photographer named (wait for it...) Tuesday.

Okay, so that first one features the only bit of actual nudity in the movie, and it shows up as the imaginary scene is played out while the coital couple are surrounded by children.

The second one is during a dinner party where "the nerd" is married to the lesbian photographer named (wait for it...) Tuesday, and he's straddling her while eating an entire roasted turkey like a hand fruit.

I can't do this anymore.

The following now-famous people are also in it, as uncredited cameos. How they came to be in this movie I couldn't begin to tell you, and despite whatever else they've accomplished in their respective careers, they're terrifically abysmal in this one.

 Yes, that's Gilbert Gottfried.

 Yes, that's Charlie Sheen.

Yes, that's Emilio Estevez and Cary Elwes

You can probably stop slapping your friend now, but it's really up to you.